We always hear “the rules” from the female side. Now here are the rules
from the male side. These are our rules! Please note … these are
all numbered 1 ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put
it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us
complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of
it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints
do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect
us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the
ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it
done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say
during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach,
for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have
no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act
like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth
the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an
answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really.

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared
to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster
trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the
couch tonight, but did you know men really don’t mind that, it’s like
camping. 

Now here is a problem that finally has a formula for getting to the bottom of an age old problem. 
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this: 

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life? 

Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions: 

If: 
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26. 

Then: 

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% 
and 
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96% 

But, 

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100% 

And, 

B-U-L-L-S-*-*-T 
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103% 

AND, look how far a** kissing will take you. 

A-*-*-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118% 

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it’s the Bulls**t and A** Kissing that will put you over the top. 

Did you ever fall for someone you know you shouldn’t?
Try hard to fight your feelings, but you just couldn’t?
You fall deeper with each passing day,
but try to hide it in every possible way.
He’s only a friend, and nothing else—
That’s the lie you keeping telling yourself.
You keep on saying he’s just a bud,
But deep inside, you’re falling in love.
You get so giddy when you meet his eyes,
But keep reminding yourself it isn’t right.
A simple glance turns into a stare,
But you pretended that you don’t care.
It’s “not right” for you two to be.
Is that why you hide it so no one can see?
But how long will you pretend?
Keep lying that he’s just a friend?
Perhaps your feelings you can never show.
Perhaps it’s “wrong” for him to know.
Your friendship can’t be risked over this,
So being his girl is an impossible wish… 

- Kiss on the Forehead: We’re cute together .
- Kiss on the Cheek: We’re friends.
- Kiss on the Hand: I adore you.
- Kiss on the Neck: I want you, now.
- Kiss on the Shoulder: Your perfect.
- Kiss on the Lips: I LOVE YOU…

“Don’t hurt the heart that never hurt you.

Cause the heart you hurt may hurt you too.

So hurt the heart that hurt your heart?

But how can you hurt the heart that hurt your heart

if that heart who hurt your heart is the only heart

that could fix your broken heart?” 

1. All shrimps are born female, but turn to male as time goes…
2. Starfish are cute but they don’t have brains… so be offended if someone calls you one. 
3. Penguins can only have one mate, they spend almost half of their life looking for their destined partner, and then spend the rest of it with him/ her… how sweet is that? 

I hope you’ll find your penguin and my penguin too…  <3

- Holding Hands: We definitely like each other.
- Holding you tight pressed against each other: I want you.
- Looking into each other’s Eyes: I like you, for who you are.
- Playing with Hair: Let’s fool around.
- Arms around the Waist: I like you too much to let go.
- Laughing while Kissing: I am completely comfortable with you.
(If you were thinking about someone while reading this, you’re definitely in Love.)

• The two highest IQ’s ever recorded (on a standard test) both belong to women.
• If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he’ll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she’ll pack 21 outfits because she doesn’t know what she’ll feel like wearing each day.
• Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man’s responsibility.
• Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.
• Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That’s why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.
• Women do not want an honest answer to the question, ‘How do I look?’
• Women do not want an honest answer to the question, ‘Is that girl good looking?’
• Women can’t refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she’s doing. It might be the lottery calling!
• The average number of items in a typical woman’s bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
• Women have a hard time admitting when they are wrong.
• A woman does not have a man’s habit to scratch her noggin when she thinks of an answer to a confusing question, for example. Women do not like to show they are confused. They never want to ruin their hairdo with that gesture either.
• Women don’t understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things could be.
  Women never have anything to wear. Don’t question the racks of clothes in the closet; you “just don’t understand”.
• Women love to talk and talk and talk some more. For some reason they feel that if there is silence going on they need to fill it with some sort of drivel.
• Women hate to be ignored, especially by their significant others.
• A woman feels awkward if she does not carry anything in her hands.
• When a woman yawns, she covers her mouth with the palm of her hand, not with a fist.
• Sitting down in public transportation, women keep their legs together.
• Women love a bargain, even if they don’t need the item.
• Women will always be attracted to the bad boys, but will eventually settle down with one of the good guys.
• Women like looking at men, just as much as men like looking at women.